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Category Archives: Doula

Fear during Birth

I was reviewing my notes from a birth that happened last year.  I had forgotten something and I’ve been thinking about it all day.

I had been with the couple in their home for 7 hours.  We were getting close to the “go to the hospital” decision.  The mom was getting restless.  My notes say she was prowling the house, experiencing some nausea.  She was feeling a bit of pushy pressure at the peaks of her waves.

Suddenly she sat down and blurted out, “Let’s make a list of all the things I’m afraid of.”

She said it like you might say at a slumber party, “Let’s make a list of the cutest boys in school.”

We sat with her and she dictated her fears:

  • The car ride
  • Hospital people
  • Owning a child
  • Being tired

It was easy for me to forget this part of her birth.  We only spent 10 minutes talking through her fears.  They weren’t paralyzing fears.

Or were they?  And if they were, was naming them all that was needed?  Could it have been that simple?

Seems like it.

She was satisfied to move on after naming her fears to us, taking the brave step of putting them on paper, and hearing our acknowledgement of them.

We left for the hospital 45 minutes later.

She never mentioned fear again during her birth although she did ask for a pep talk once in that same “slumber party” tone.

Undoubtedly, fear impacts birth.  There are several studies that correlate the mom’s level of fear with outcomes.

In some cases, the presence of someone else who is afraid can affect the labor.

Birth is a process driven by hormones.  Fear should remain a wallflower in this delicate dance.

What are some ways you worked through your fears before or during labor?  If you’re a birth worker, what works for your clients/students?

And I really want to hear from some of you!  My stats counter tells me I’ve got readers.  Share your wisdom, if you please.

August Expected

When I was pregnant with Cedar, I thought it would be miserable to be 9 months in August.  But I loved it.  Relished it.  And admittedly, lazed in it.

  • Swimming in cold rivers
  • Long, highwaisted sundresses
  • Henna on my feet
  • Blackberries
  • And afterwards, not worrying that my newborn would be cold
  • Sitting on the porch swing with a naked baby
  • Easy-to-nurse-in clothes

Ah, such sweet memories.  And then, one of my favorite August births was my sister’s homebirth.  Oh, and there was Jenni’s surprise homebirth–another favorite!  And roller-derby Coral, who tripped over her giant newfoundland and began a fast and furious birthing.  Lara’s first birth, 0-10 in a few hours.  I love August births.

Guess what?

I have no doula clients for August this year!  Where are they?  I’m looking at that empty calendar and wondering what the month will bring.

Will they be homebirths?

First time parents?

Planned cesarean?

Super-speedy or slow as molasses?

Start-and-stop or get down to business?

Twins?

Will they need me much or will I simply witness?

Will I make some blunders?

It is so personal, the matching of family to doula.  But once paired, I put great faith in our shared purpose.

I wonder who will teach me and whom will I serve in the powerful month of August.

August rushes by like desert rainfall,
A flood of frenzied upheaval,
Expected,
But still catching me unprepared.

      –Elizabeth Maua Taylor

Negotiating Laborland

She could take me down with her pinky finger.

Her body was strong.  Her mind was sharp.  She carried a gun.

Thankfully not during her labor.

Her motto was “To serve and protect.”

When I walked into her home, shaking off the adrenaline from my speedy drive, I found her deep in her labor dance.  She was leaning over her bed and swaying her hips.

Things had moved rapidly since I’d visited her that morning.  That morning we had laughed about her spacey contractions and she prepared to go shopping.

It was 4pm.

The first words she said, “I’m not strong like you.  I can’t do it.”

“Crazy talk.  You are MUCH stronger than I am.  And you ARE doing  it.”

Her husband, who also carried a gun, was mastering the fine art of the double-hip squeeze.  I caught his eye and sent him telepathic messages:  she is close.

And she was.  I arrived during mom’s transition stage; when her body was releasing adrenaline to prepare for pushing.

And there was a problem.  This beautiful police officer, in that strong police officer voice that I’ve spent a lifetime respecting says, “I want an epidural.  I am not leaving this room.  I’m absolutely not getting in the car.  I can’t.”

I look to her husband but he is suddenly very involved in double hip-squeezing.

I’m on my own.  My usual pep talk with murmurs of encouragement fly out the window.  This woman is practical.  I give it to her straight.

  • A) I’ll call a midwife and we’ll have the baby right here.
  • B)  I’ll call an ambulance.
  • C)  We will walk to the hospital you did not want to use (1 mile away)
  • D)  We walk downstairs, get in the car, and drive to your hospital and your doctor.  (45 minutes away)

Negotiations begin.

I know we don’t have time for negotiations.  I channel my inner police officer.

I send Dad to load and cool the car.  He also fortifies himself with a Red Bull.

When Dad returns, I give him “the look” and I run to transfer my things to their car.  This birth will be my first time driving the getaway car!  Usually I follow in my car but this one is too dicey.

Somehow Dad gets her into the car and we’re off.

I’m driving two police officers to the hospital.  And one is pushing!

Holy cow, what a ride.  Mom is on her knees with her faced smushed up to the window.  Dad is still rocking the double-hip squeeze.  I’m handing back a chux pad in anticipation of her water breaking.

We were still a good 25 minutes from the hospital when the pushing sounds began.

Then I hit stupid Wade Hampton Rd.

When I pull up to the hospital doors, I jump out, grab mom, and bolt.  I hear knocking and look back to find Dad stuck in the backseat which can only be opened from the outside!  I rush back and let him out.

We get upstairs, there is flurry, there is some chaos.  Mom is a VBAC so there is extra flurry and extra chaos.  I catch the eye of a nurse I know and mouth “which room?” while Dad deals with check-in.  She points and I go.  As soon as we walk in, Mom’s water breaks.  I strip her clothes and toss on a gown.

She crawls into the bed on her knees.  Baby crowns.  I hear one of the nurses say to another, “I’ve never done one in this position.”  Too late.

The nurse receives the baby, mom flips overs and takes baby.  No one clamps the cord until the OB arrives 10 minutes later.  I guess the OB has to have something to do, right?  She doesn’t even get to suture since Mom’s perineum is perfectly intact.

Baby was born 15 minutes after we pulled in.

This woman’s first birth:  a 40 week induction + cesarean + NICU.

Second birth:  a quick birth without assistance.

I think that women can be just completely surprised by the change in them from giving birth—you have something powerful in you—that fierce thing comes up—and I think babies need moms to have that fierceness—you feel like you can do anything and that’s the feeling we want moms to have.” –Ina May Gaskin, midwife

To be astonished

Let me keep my mind on what matters,

which is my work,

which is mostly standing still

and learning to be astonished.

–Mary Oliver

Local Film Screenings for World Doula Week

World Doula Week is March 22-March 28. The upstate is celebrating by offering free screenings of the film Doula!, a one hour documentary following the role of doulas in three positive birth stories. Pick a showing and bring a friend.

Friday March 23rd: Cornerstone Family Medicine in Greer. 6:30pm

Saturday March 24th: Natural Baby in Greenville. 2pm (This event begins with the regularly scheduled Blessingway which will be short this month to make room for the film).

Monday March 26th: Labors of Love Birth Center in Spartanburg. 6:30pm.

Tuesday March 27th: Baby Impressions in Greenville. 10am.

This film is a great way to introduce partners, family, and others to the role of doula.

Openings

I have one space remaining for my next Hypnobabies class beginning March 22nd in Greenville

I have an unexpected opening for a doula client in April or early May.  I know I’ve turned at least 10 women away for this date range and I’m so sorry!   

I’ve also decided to add another birth in June.   (Contract pending–thanks!)

If you are still searching for a doula to serve you during your birthing time or you’re interested in Hypnobabies, please contact me at j_byers (at) bellsouth (dot) net.

ETA:  All filled!  Thanks for the love!

Redux: Birthy Posts from the Past

So You Want to be a Doula (2008)

Preparing for a Smooth Hospital Birth (2009)

Doulas and Cesarean Birth (2011)

Dads and Doulas (2010)

Sacred Moments (2011)

I Heart My Perineum (2010)

A Word or Two about Homebirth (2009)

Accepting Your Birth Environment (2009)

Why I Wish Doulas Didn’t Exist (2008)

 

Catch my breath

I’m still here!  Happenings:

I had an epic birth to end the year.  40+ hours unmedicated and unaugmented with 5 hours of pushing!  Births like those affect everyone in attendance.  Watching a woman of determination and faith.  Witnessing her power.  Oh, it was incredible.  I hope she’ll permit me to blog a bit more about it. 

I’m prepping to spend almost three weeks in Thailand and Cambodia.  Skulking around “travel with children” forums.  It seems there are two attitudes regarding flying with children.  1)  Don’t.  Children are demon spawn and belong in the cargo hold.  or 2)  “I’ve never had a problem with my children because they (and I) am perfect.”  When kids misbehave, it is clearly the parent’s fault. 

There are also strong, judgemental opinions on medicating children for flights.  So, will I be medicating my fiery 2-year old who freaks out when riding an elevator?  Well, I won’t be sharing it here!  Too many strong opinions on that one! 

I’m teaching two classes this week.  Tomorrow (Tuesday) is “Sleeping Like a Baby” and this weekend is “Positive Discipline for Toddlers and Preschoolers.”  While I’m an educator for the first class, I’m a facilitator for the second.  In other words, I would not presume to teach discipline.  Ha!  I’m simply facilitate learning for that one!  See the difference?

Norah’s birthday is this weekend.  She doesn’t like change so that makes it easy.  We simply replicate what we do every year.  Small, family gathering.  Scott will leave a scavenger hunt for her while he is at work.  I’m tentatively adding a few changes.  Norah does not approve of a hot chocolate bar but I’m doing it anyway. 

I put together a “Breastfeeding Support Basket” for an online auction.  My friend, Rachel, is adopting.  Go bid!  The auction closes Dec. 9!

Scott is spending his spare hours playing Santa in his workshop.  I love the smell of wood shavings. 

New Blooper Added

Added number ten to the Blooper Page:

 

10) I was the first to arrive at a homebirth.  When I walked in, I noticed all the signs of labor:  childbirth books open on the floor, half-eaten dinner on the table, hypnosis script playing, tub full of water.  But I did not find signs of the couple.  I searched every room in the house.  Looked in the backyard and garage.  Called out, “hellooooo?”  Where were they?  Ambulance transport?  I called the midwife who was on her way and said, “What is going on??”  She was as shocked as I was.  Then the dad pokes his head down the stairs and waves.  I hang up with the midwife and rush upstairs.  And still couldn’t find them!!  Looked in all the rooms again.  Turns out I was standing three feet away (twice!) but didn’t see them in a tiny space around a corner.  P.S. she had her baby an hour after I walked in the house.

Doula Performance Anxiety

I used to get performance anxiety before births. Probably the first two or three years I was a doula, I would have butterflies in my stomach and sometimes dread while waiting for the labor call. I had to make a music playlist called “Oxytocin” to try to override the adrenaline while driving to the birth. For some reason, “Ventura Highway” always calmed me.

I’m sure I’m not the only doula who has felt this way. I know I’ve gotten calls and texts from new doulas on their way to a birth. So let’s talk about it.

You Can’t Script It: When we walk into a birth space, there is no way to predict what we might be doing over the next hours. I have found myself in the strangest positions. I’ve twisted my body into odd shapes, slept in weird chairs, dirty danced with a laboring woman, gotten in the shower fully clothed, and stood on a hospital bed. I’ve said words that I never could have rehearsed and followed rituals that I never could have created. This inability to prepare used to drive me nuts. Now I roll with it. Things that may help:

  • Wear clothes that are comfortable no matter your position. No one wants a doula worrying about her butt crack or bra strap. So do some yoga in your clothes first and see if they pass the test.
  • Have a well-organized and well-stocked bag. I rarely use anything in my bag. But I have less anxiety when I know I have it.
  • Eat, drink, and pee. Basic, I know. But I’ve failed to do those things at births and gotten foggy/grumpy/dizzy. Since you can’t predict how long you’ll be there, eat at regular intervals. I tell my clients in advance that I will make sure everyone is fed and that includes me.

It Is Not A Performance: I think this one is so difficult. We are hired help. Clients have expectations of us. We want to do a good job. But performance suggests that we are on stage. We’re not. We are not! It does not matter what the midwife, doctor, nurse, or mother-in-law thinks about us. Our role is to hold the space for the mom, provide support to her and her partner, and keep them center stage. At the end of the birth, the mom should say, “I did it!” I really don’t want her to say, “I couldn’t have done it without you.” Things that may help:

  • Meditate on service. I have a few rituals on my drive to a birth. I pray. And specifically, I pray that I will be a servant. I pray that my ego will be put aside. That I won’t try to impress anyone. I also listen to birth affirmations. These help me focus.
  • Release the outcome and the path to it. The doula does not get to make decisions. Nope. Not our role. My perfect birth is just that. Mine. Not my client’s.

There Is No Instruction Manual: Sure we have doula trainings, books, and seminars. They can teach techniques. I remember one of my early births (I’d never even met the mom before), the midwife literally took my hands and showed me how to massage the mom’s legs. Another time a doula took my hands and showed me where to press for counterpressure. Oh, how I worried I would do it all wrong. Then I realized that it really is intuitive. I’m always telling the laboring woman to trust her instincts. I had to learn to trust my own. Things that may help:

  • Have someone you can call or text when you have no idea what to do. It is always helpful to talk it through with another birth professional when you’re stuck. I think there may even be a small book called The Pocket Doula that might be helpful. Don’t read it in front of the client, though!
  • Be confident. Channel it. No one wants skittish hands or a questioning voice when she’s birthing. It doesn’t matter if you feel confident. Fake it. Stay cool, calm, collected. Grounded.
  • Try not to overthink it. It isn’t rocket science. Birth is a pretty simple and straight-forward bodily process. It uses some of the same muscle movements as digestion. Most births would work just fine if no one was around. So maybe you don’t need to DO anything. Or SAY anything. Maybe you should just knit in the corner.

Remember that adrenaline does not often serve you well in a birthing environment. Go outside and do some jumping jacks to get rid of it if you must. Breathe deeply. Take some motherwort tincture. Stretch.

You were chosen to attend this birth and this family. There is nothing to fear.

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