There is no such thing as a baby. There is a baby and a someone.
–Dr. Donald Winnicott
You may have picked up from some of my posts that parenting Cedar has kicked my butt. If Norah was high needs then Cedar is “higher needs.” How did I manage to have two of these wee blessings? I’m starting to wonder if I create these babies somehow through my parenting. My friends keep telling me that the third baby is always mellow. Well, no thanks. I think I’ll stick with two.
Dr. Sears describes 12 characteristics of the high needs baby:
I don’t want to sound negative. And I don’t want to dramatize my experience. Maybe if I parented differently, I would have a different baby. I don’t know. I’m fortunate that I am able to stay home with her and that my wonderful husband, family, and friends have helped so much with Norah. And since Scott was himself a stay-at-home dad with Norah, he understands when we have a messy house or the same easy dinner over and over again.
I hope that the highest needs of this high need wee one has peaked in the so-called fourth trimester. She will be 12 weeks on Sunday. Will we turn a corner? Of course we will. Of course. Right? More on my thoughts on the fourth trimester later.
I spoke yesterday at an Attachment Parenting Forum. The topic was how choices in childbirth were related to the first AP Principle: preparing for pregnancy, birth, and parenting. I joined a forum with a midwife and two childbirth educators.
In my classic style, I did not prepare at all. I had no idea what I was going to say. So I was pleasantly surprised when coherent words came out of my mouth. And I was even happier that when I finished speaking, I agreed with what I had said. Sounds schizophrenic, yes? Welcome to my public speaking technique.
I said that one of my primary roles as a doula is to guard power. I don’t care what kind of birth my clients choose or end up having; my concern is that they retain their power throughout. They are not bullied or undermined. They have informed consent. They understand and claim responsibility for their birth. The power of pregnancy and birth springboard us into confident parenting. When our friends and family question our AP methods or on a sleepless night 5 months postpartum, we question ourselves, we can draw on the strength and trust learned through birth.
Parenting is not rocket science. It is much harder. It calls for something more than mere instruction manuals. It demands an inner strength beyond anything else. Those 9 months of pregnancy and however many hours of labor and birth can lay a firm foundation for our parenting; particularly when our choices are questioned at every turn.