Category Archives: Parenting

The Complete Idiot’s Guides to Parenting

Posted on June 8, 2010 by juliebyers

I was searching for a parenting book through my local libray’s online catalog.  Couldn’t find it so I did a general “parenting” search.  Here are a few of the notable books that are available:

  • Now I know why tigers eat their young : surviving a new generation of teenagers
  • How to raise kids you want to keep
  • Even June Cleaver would forget the juice box : cut yourself some slack (and still raise great kids) in the age of extreme parenting
  • Parenting, Inc. : how we are sold on $800 strollers, fetal education, baby sign language, sleeping coaches, toddler couture, and diaper wipe warmers–and what it means for our children 
  • Didn’t I feed you yesterday? : a mother’s guide to sanity in stilettos
  • 13 is the new 18– and other things my children taught me (while I was having a nervous breakdown being their mother)
  • Raising the perfect child through guilt and manipulation
  • The public school parent’s guide to success : how to beat private school and homeschooling
  • The Tao of poop : keeping your sanity (and your soul) while raising a baby
  • A chicken’s guide to talking turkey with your kids about sex
  • Harried with children
  • The epidemic : the rot of American culture, absentee and permissive parenting, and the resultant plague of joyless, selfish children
  • Toilet trained for Yale : adventures in twenty-first-century parenting

I’ll just let these titles stand alone.  There were also 12 million books on depression/anxiety in children and raising children after divorce. 

I have a funny story about The Epidemic:  rot of American culture book.  Scott was in a wedding and the bride had arranged for us to stay in the home of a family member.  We’d never met these folks.  They were concerned that we were co-sleeping with Norah.  Even if we didn’t routinely co-sleep, I would not have put my one year old in a room by herself (especially next door to an adult man I’d never met).  And before we retired for the evening, these kind folks asked many pointed questions about our parenting.  The next morning, after the family left for the day, we found a copy of this book left on the breakfast table.  The book had much to say about attachment parenting.  You know, basically, attachment parenting is responsible for the rot of American culture.

 

2 Comments

Posted in Parenting, Products and Gear. Bookmark the permalink.

The Gift of Inspiration

Posted on June 3, 2010 by juliebyers

Earlier, I blogged about the mom’s study group and our first meeting topic:  The Gift of Grace.

This week, we discussed the Gift of Inspiration.

Inspiration gets a bad rap with me.  I’ve worked in jobs and ministries in which I was expected to “inspire” people.  We often measured success by our ability to make them cry as if emotional highs would change behavior.  We talked of mountaintop experiences.  I know all the tricks for lighting candles, playing sappy music, making a ritual to create a bang-up cry fest.  I can inspire a group.  It isn’t difficult. 

But the word “inspiration” literally means “with the spirit.”  That definition changes the way I think about it.  “With the spirit” whispers of connection.  One who is plugged in.  Drawing from the Source.  So the best way to inspire is to be connected to the Source. 

We first looked at how to inspire our children’s global purpose.  Jesus said that we would receive power through the Holy Spirit.  There is that word again—spirit.  He says this spirit will be our Source.  We will become good news to the world.  We will do the work of redeeming the earth.  Making it into a Garden again.  That is our global purpose as Christians.  It is our children’s global purpose.  Not some time in the future.  But now.  We discussed examples of children being good news to the community or to individuals.

[I have some thoughts on good news.  I do not think evangelism is the point.  If our ultimate purpose is to convert people, then we have an angle.  Loving on people is the good news.  Conversion is up to God.  Our Christianity should be good news to our neighbors regardless of their belief.]         

Back to the group, we made a list of skills, traits, talents that our kids show.  How can we encourage these traits to be good news now?  For Norah, I listed:  creative problem-solver, can read emotional climate, can make big connections.  For Cedar, I listed passion.  Oh, that little one has a fire inside her.   

We then looked at our children’s individual purpose.  Their vocation.  It doesn’t matter what they will be…what matters is what kind they will be.  Zaccheus didn’t stop being a tax collector but he became a different kind of tax collector.  As Christians, we (should) emphasize different values than the world.  Sacrifice, grace.  We can model this difference by letting our kids be a part of discussions like “how could our family be good news with our tax refund?” or “how could we be good news to Mrs. Smith down the street?”  And these discussions can be terribly inconvenient.  Kids often see very black and white and may begin calling us on our choices.  Which is a good thing.  And we can let go of our hopes for our children to be wealthy or safe.

And we must be careful not to give our kids their calling.  God does this. 

Then we talked about having a sense of God’s presence.  We made a list of all the unremarkable, mundane things we did yesterday.  For all of us, the list included changing diapers or wiping a butt.  The question becomes “are our days dull or the other way around—do we make them dull?”  Do our routine tasks have eternal value?  God meets us where we are.  Because that is where we are.  When we’re wiping butts, that is where God joins us.  Any task can touch the sacred.  How can we connect with the Source in these mundane tasks?  How can wiping a butt inspire? 

Jesus often used object lessons.  He passed a vineyard and he told a story about it.  Or a fig tree.  Or he said, “Consider the lilies.”  How do I help my kids see God in creation? 

Finally, we discussed living missionally.  Not about programs or 3rd parties buffering us from the in-your-face needs of people.  Not about “adopt-an-orphan” in Ethiopia (though a worthy way to give).  Not about encountering only pre-screened, kid-safe people.  It is about those unexpected needs that are right under our noses.  The ones we can’t ignore.  Or shouldn’t.  Sometimes we have only a moment to respond to someone in our path.  I love the dangerous little book, Irresistible Revolution for challenges of this sort.       

The gentle discipline tool we discussed was Playful Parenting.  How to use play for discipline, engaging cooperation, teaching, motivating, and more.  My favorite resource is Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen.

Lots to practice this week.

2 Comments

Posted in Parenting and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

The Gift of Grace

Posted on May 20, 2010 by juliebyers

I’m participating in a mama’s Bible study.  We are going through the book, The Ministry of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson.  Each week focuses on a gift mothers can give to their children.  This week’s gift is grace (my favorite!).

I thought I’d share some notes from each week’s class. 

Grace comes free of charge; no strings attached.  We don’t deserve this love and favor.  Absolutely nothing we can do to get it.  Only receive it.  And give it.  The Greek word for Grace is “charis” and the root is a verb meaning “I rejoice, I am glad.”

We talked about how a key component to grace is that it is unconditional.  Of course we love our kiddos unconditionally.  But conditional parenting can be sneaky.  So what does conditional parenting look like?  It includes

  • perceived love withdrawal:  even if you aren’t withdrawing your love when your child misbehaves, if your child thinks you are…it is conditional
  • “if you…then you” types of statements
  • when kids feel they are competing with something for our love (our work, the computer, facebook, siblings)
  • unrealistic developmental expectations
  • imposing our goals on our children–sports, classes, areas of interest

We looked at the story in John 21 when (after cooking breakfast for his disciples–I love this!), Jesus reaffirms his relationship with Peter and his belief in Peter’s ministry.  He doesn’t lecture, punish, shame Peter for denying him.  He doesn’t even bring it up.  As a mama, I have failed spectacularly and this story gives me hope.  It is also a great lesson on how I can interact with my kids when they fail spectacularly. 

Then we looked at John 13, when Jesus washed his disciples’ feet.  This story gives a picture of grace through servanthood.  We talked about how Jesus motivated obedience by putting the disciples’ welfare above his own.  Sometimes by giving them power.  We talked about children’s needs for power. 

We talked about the grace of encouraging words.  And looked at my favorite verse:  Zeph 3:17.  How can I quiet my children with love and rejoice over them with singing?

Our final area of grace is forgiveness.  Are our homes safe enough places for confession?  Or will our kids hide their behavior because they fear the punishments?  And when kids mess up, we don’t need to burden our kids with guilt for what they’ve done.  God doesn’t do that to us.  He forgives and forgets. Romans 2:4.  What leads us to repentance?  Kindness.  How can consequences and discipline be tempered with kindness?

We ended the week’s study with a discipline tool:  the Comfort Corner.  A comfort corner teaches children an important life skill:  to learn to step away and regroup when they are in crazyland.  Just as adults need a coffee break, children do, too.  The most important factor in using this tool is to remember the CC is a safe zone.  There is no talk of the behavior or discipline in the CC.  The CC is for having a snack, snuggling, reading a book, playing, cooling down.  The issue or behavior can be addressed later when you and the child have calmed.  There is also no forcing a child to go to the CC.  You can suggest it or even place them there but they can leave when they choose.  I suggest adults have CCs as well!  We introduced a comfort corner to Norah at around 14 months.  Norah’s CC was first a corner of the family room with floor pillows, then it was an indoor tent.  Now it is her bed. 

Next week’s gift is inspiration.

2 Comments

Posted in Parenting and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

What is your emergency?

Posted on April 28, 2010 by juliebyers

It is after midnight.  I’m up with the baby who is dozing fitfully tonight.     

My day began with an unfamiliar voice saying, “911.  What is your emergency?”

Huh?

Exactly. 

Apparently, my 8 month old had decided to get up, grab my phone from the nightstand, unlock the keypad, and call 911.  While I slept. 

That was the start of my day.

Then I noticed a funky rash around the 4-yr old’s mouth.  I went to askdrsears.com because he always, always tells me whatever the concern is, it is no big deal.  Except this time.  This time he said I take my child to the doctor or ER (!) immediately. 

I proceeded to examine Norah’s mouth 52 million times and look at 12.8 million google images of petechiae rash. 

When Scott (finally) got home, I demanded he look at Norah’s mouth.  He said it looked like she’d tried to suck a cup.  And asked her if she had.  And she happily showed him how she and her friend, Clem, had tried to hold toy cups to their faces yesterday.  Well you’d never guess.  That wooden cup matched her rash perfectly.

Problem solved, now what’s for dinner.

I’m so glad I didn’t call our doctor on that one.  It would be like the time we almost called the plumber. 

Somehow I’m not feeling at the top of my game.  

At least Cedar will be able to call for help if we get into too much trouble.

1 Comment

Posted in Parenting. Bookmark the permalink.

Easy Preschooler Activity

Posted on April 9, 2010 by juliebyers

Norah and I made a marble run for the fridge.  It was super easy and we were able to complete it during Cedar’s morning nap. 

Collect paper towel and toilet paper tubes.  Wrap tubes with construction paper.  Glue a magnet to each tube.  Create your marble run, place a container on the floor, and drop in a marble.  We had to use a large wooden bead because the marble was too heavy. 

Norah has had fun making different runs.

P.S.  I saw a fridge marble run available for purchase in an educational toys magazine and it was out of our toy budget!  So can we call this upcycling?

3 Comments

Posted in Green Living, Parenting, Play and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

Snip snip sneakiness

Posted on March 23, 2010 by juliebyers

On Friday, the mommy alarm bells were going off.  I felt Norah was up to something but couldn’t put my finger on it.  As usual, I nursed Cedar to sleep for her afternoon nap.  It took around 10 minutes.  When I returned to Norah, I noticed she was wearing a hat but didn’t think much of it.  I swept up some playdough and opened the trashbin to dump it when…

Oh my.  The trashbin was full of blond hair.  *don’t react strongly, don’t react strongly*  Her friends, Maris and Clementine, have also recently cut their hair so I knew it was a possibility.

Me:  Norah, you cut your hair.  Let me see. 

Norah:  Removes hat with an impish grin.

Whew!  No scalp showing.  Wow…she did a pretty good job.  Still, I’m sad that she has bangs now.  What a hassle.

I didn’t find a single blond hair anywhere except in the trash and the kitchen scissors were neatly returned to their drawer.  We’re calling it “chunky layers.”  And look how much she looks like my preschool self:

I didn’t know about this sneaky side.  A new characteristic for the journey.

9 Comments

Posted in Family, Parenting. Bookmark the permalink.

Ms. Fix-It

Posted on March 11, 2010 by juliebyers

Norah:  Daddy, why are you throwing away that door?

Scott:  It’s broken.

Norah:  Maybe we should call Joseph.

Scott:  Who?

Norah:  Jesus’ daddy.  He can fix it.  Or maybe Jesus could fix it.  Or the shepherds.  Or you, Daddy.

Scott:  What about Mary?

Norah:  She can’t fix it.  She’s a mommy.

Scott:  Mommies fix things.

Norah:  Mommy fixes dinner.  And she fixes me juice.  That is all she fixes. 

Ouch!  I thought we were doing a good job at non-gendering.  I think proper education needs to happen.  And I need to fix some things.

1 Comment

Posted in Blech, Parenting. Bookmark the permalink.

Pearls

Posted on February 15, 2010 by juliebyers

The Pearls.

Oh I how I long for them to be held accountable.  One day they will be. I was going to blog about how their book, To Train up a Child, and their ministry No Greater Joy has led to yet another murder.  Then I saw Rebecca’s post.  She says it much better.  Go read.

And in case you’re wondering, here is a picture of a supply line:

23 Comments

Posted in Blech, Parenting and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

Cedar–6 months

Posted on February 10, 2010 by juliebyers

I am terribly surprised that Cedar turned half a year yesterday.  How it flies.  So how is she doing?

Health:  no sicklies so far.  I attribute that, in part, to all her wonderful milk mamas who have passed on their immunities to her.

Hyper:  she is a mover and a shaker.  Always the flapping of arms, rapid breath, quickening heart.  She is desperate to crawl.  She does push-ups; lifting all but her hands and toes off the ground.  I cannot wear her on my hip because she is a grabber and I quickly learned that a back-carry is a must. 

Houdini:  she tries to escape from any baby holder in which she is placed.  The instant she is put into a bouncy chair, she begins arching her back and inching until she sits on the floor with a grin.  Of course, we don’t leave her in a bouncy unstrapped unsupervised.  But it is fun to watch this houdini act.    

Habit:  Much to my surprise, she is content when I take her on consults or even do presentations.  She sits happily squealing her dolphin squeaks and flapping those arms.  She is decidedly not content for anyone (!!) else to hold her very long.  And that is the most difficult part of the Cedar gig.  I have a month-long break once my current clients birth and I plan to use it to help her expand her knowledge of the loving folks around her.  No idea how.  Open to ideas.  Please!! 

Sleep:  The question everyone asks of every new mama:  How is she sleeping?  Cedar sleeps normally.  So many people forget that babies are biologically programmed to sleep in short cycles as a protection against sleeping too deeply.  They are born with an immature Circadian rhythm that slowly settles into pattern.  Of course, just when the pattern sets–well, then there’s teething, growth spurts, etc. to interrupt sleep.   I don’t get too stressed about sleep.  She takes 2-3 naps per day and nurses off and on at night.  I rarely get out of bed with her; usually we stay put and she nurses while I doze.  The “problem,” if there is one, is that she nurses to sleep and it is the only way (other than wearing her in a wrap) she goes to sleep.  So if she wakes, we nurse.  And this is a problem if I’m gone all night for a birth.  Of course, The No-Cry Sleep Solution has some ideas for changing the sleep-suck association but, frankly, it is too easy to nurse her right now.  Sorry Scott–you’re on your own if I’m away.

And if anyone would like to see the hyper little babe:

3 Comments

Posted in Family, Parenting. Bookmark the permalink.

Congratulations, You’re Pregnant and…

Posted on February 4, 2010 by juliebyers

You have choices:

1)  You can choose the status quo:  do what your doctor says, show up at the hospital when your labor begins (or more likely your induction), vaccinate according to the CDC schedule, etc. 

or

2)  Scramble to become an astute researcher in a very short while:  learn to discern myth from reality, question the status quo, wonder where the boundaries of your new power as parent begin and end.

And that myth from reality part is tough even for doctors!  I was at a birth during which the mom opted for an epidural.  The anesthesiologist said, “There is no truth to the myth that epidurals slow down labor.”  No less than 10 minutes after he left the room, the OB came in and said, “Now, we know that epidurals often slow labor…” 

Frankly, choice 1 comes with less stress.  Choosing this path is not indicative of your parenting merit or your character.  It is a choice.  I’ve had clients who made this choice.  They hire a doula to guard their informed consent or provide need-to-know info on the spot. 

Choice 2 requires quite a bit of work.  And if you’ve not been thinking much about birth or the politics/litigation/trends of the American birth scene, it can feel overwhelming to tackle such a monster during pregnancy. 

To me, choosing the second path has the benefit of springboarding you into parenting.  Most things in parenting are not cut and dry.  There are hard choices to make and for the first time, perhaps, you’re making big choices for another human being.  Pregnancy is a wonderful time to begin finding your mama or papa voice. 

Noelle and Zach are doing this.  And not just about their birth choices.  Before they became pregnant, they were already thinking through questions of vaccinations. 

Eek…the dreaded vaccination question.  CDC schedule, alternate schedule, no schedule?  Aluminum, mercury, pertussis, oh my!

Ha!  If there is one area I refuse to give advice, it is vaccinations.  There is risk on both sides.  And I believe only the parent has the right to decide which risk to take:  possible disease or possible side-effect. 

Ah but Noelle and Zach are in a unique position.  They not only get to decide about the usual shots (around 20 before the age of 6 months), they also get to decide about shots like japanese encephalitis and rabies.  See, these cats will be moving to a developing country when their wee one is around 5 or 6 months.  Shhh…don’t tell them I said this but I’m very glad I’m not in their shoes when it comes to making decisions about those vaccines!   

Pregnancy is a beautiful time to try out our courage,  our strength, and our intuition.  Pregnancy is a beautiful time to begin parenting.

4 Comments

Posted in Family, Parenting, Pregnancy and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.
← Older Posts
Newer Posts →