Category Archives: Parenting

You’re not the boss of me.

Posted on October 28, 2010 by juliebyers

Norah goes to a classical program once a week.

This week, her teacher stepped out of the room and I was the only adult in the class. The kids wandered closer and closer to the door to peek outside. Finally, I told them to come back into the room.

“You’re not the boss of me.”

It was spoken matter-of-factly by one of the boys. As a statement. Not rudely or smugly.

My first reaction was, “Thank goodness Norah isn’t the only one who says that!”

My second reaction was, “Oh yes I am. I’m the grown-up.”

My third reaction was, “Well, technically, he is right.”

The teacher didn’t put me in charge. I’m not his mama. And as I thought more about the incident, I realized just how important his point was.

Norah’s school is in the middle of a renovation. There are construction workers everywhere. Let’s play, “what if?”

Now, of course, the kids are not left unsupervised but what if.

What if a construction worker walked into the gym while the kids were playing and said, “I need one of you to come with me. You there, little girl.”

Have I taught my little girl that she does not obey all grown-ups simply because they are grown-ups?

I certainly don’t want her to be an 18 yr old one day forced to a strip search by her employer.

My favorite book about teaching children to be safe is Gavin de Becker’s Protecting the Gift. He describes 12 tests to keep kids safe. Here is number three.

3) Kids know it is ok to REBUFF AND DEFY adults

Have I taught her this important lesson?

Good for the mama of this little boy who taught her son to assert himself!

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Paying Attention

Posted on October 17, 2010 by juliebyers

Two more recent Norah moments:

In the middle of the thrift store

Norah (loudly): Mom, do you have any breastmilk.

Me: Um, well, yes. I guess. What?

Norah: This puppy is an orphan and he NEEDS some breastmilk. Will you nurse him?

Me: Can it wait?

Norah (lifting her shirt and nursing the stuffed dalmation herself): See, I tried but I don’t have any breastmilk.

Me (looking around at the people grinning and trying not to be obvious about eavesdropping): Fine. Ok. I’m nursing the puppy.

Norah: Thanks mom. You’re the greatest mom in the whole wide world!

Yep. I nurse in public.

In the grocery store:

Norah (whispering): Mom, mom! Do you see that boy? Over there?

Me: Yeah.

Norah: well, I waved at him like this. And he waved to me like this.

Me (distractedly): ok honey.

Norah: and then I swooped my hair like this. D’ya know why?

Me: Why?

Norah: To make him fall in love with me.

Now I’m paying attention. So fast she grows.

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An idea that you can test

Posted on October 15, 2010 by juliebyers

Norah (4yrs) has been fascinated with “hypothesis” lately. She is ever performing science experiments. A few days ago, she was rolling objects down the back of the couch to see which hit the cushion first. And Sunday, she made a pulley using rope and a door knob to lift her stuffed monkey. She spontaneously turned her rice crackers into moon phases.

Recently regarding the mouse on her laptop (yes, she has a laptop–it was one we had retired):

Norah: Daddy, my mouse won’t work.

Scott: Well, let’s see. Hmmm…it looks like someone cut the cord (!). With scissors? Norah, did you cut your mouse with scissors?

Norah: No. It just stopped working.

Scott: You didn’t cut it with scissors?

Norah: Well, actually. Yes.

Scott: Why did you lie?

Norah: Because that is what I do.

Later she told me she had simply wanted to see what would happen. All the while I thought she didn’t know what “hypothesis” even meant.

Norah: Mom, a hypothesis is an idea we can test.

Hmm…maybe instead of homeschooling, I should just let her watch “Sid the Science Kid” all day long. And hide the scissors.

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Has anyone seen the almonds?

Posted on September 12, 2010 by juliebyers

I have no idea what is going on in Norah’s head.

She will be 5 in a few months.

She has humongous break-downs when things change. And I’m not talking about big things. I’m talking about when her poop is flushed down the toilet. Or when a bite is taken out of the cookie. Or when Cedar’s hair is combed.

She melts down. Wailing. Gnashing of teeth.

Tonight. After carefully counting that there were 17 cubes of cantaloupe on the table, she ate one. Then immediately began crying and saying, “No! No! I didn’t want to do that!! Waaaaah! Make it come back!!”

And a few weeks ago, I magnanimously bought her a 2.50 cookie. It was a fancy moose. She took one bite and then started screaming because she wanted the antler to come back. The cookie sits untouched.

What is this? What is this?? Anybody?

I have a bazillion pictures on my phone of bizarre things she insists on cataloguing. Yes, I even have a picture of her poop. Here is one she asked me to take of her spaghetti twirled on a fork which she refused to eat because it was so pretty. She wanted me to keep it forever. I agreed to keep it until the end of the day.

And she hides food rather than eating it so she can “keep it forever.” We’ve found cereal in her bed, almonds in her play kitchen fridge, a pancake in the car, a slice of pizza hidden in the fridge.

Noelle, who works as a counselor to children, came up with the best tool. She taught Norah to use a mental camera so she can remember things forever. Sometimes, it prevents a meltdown.

Ah, this 4 yr old stage has been full of challenges. I don’t know whether to weather this one because “this too shall pass” or more actively engage in it before it becomes some bizarre eating disorder. I’m leaning toward the weathering.

It is coinciding with many statements like “I’m the boss of my swingset/room/toy/fill-in-the-blank and I can do whatever I want with it” and “one day I’ll be a mommy and I won’t have to listen to you.” So I imagine it is about control. Seems logical.

Anyone else experienced something like this? And aren’t you relieved I didn’t post the poop pic?

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The Year after Childbirth

Posted on August 29, 2010 by juliebyers

I’m reading The Year After Childbirth by Sheila Kitzinger. I love this book.

Here are a few gems from the first chapter about the first weeks postpartum:

“The ordinary divisions of time–into morning, afternoon, evening, and night, and before and after meals–have lost meaning. In their place there seems to be a long, uncoiling, endless ribbon–feeding, changing, cleaning up, soothing and rocking and patting, starting the laundry, tidying up a bit, feeding again, bouncing the baby up and down, managing to wash yourself and pull on some clothes if you’re lucky, feeding again, carrying the baby around, drying the baby things, grabbing something to eat, picking the baby up, feeding, dashing to the shops, and then feeding again because the baby is still fretful. There is never any point at which you can say that you have finished.”

“Some new mothers say that they did not know what tiredness was until they experienced the exhaustion that comes from straining every nerve, concentrating with set purpose on doing everything right with a new baby, while at the same time feeling powerful emotions…For the tiredness is not just a question of needing more sleep, or of trying to fit everything into a twenty-four hour day that seems suddenly to have shrunk. The emotional intensity of becoming a mother and caring for a new baby is in itself demanding.”

“Maternal emotions are urgent, raw.”

“For several months after birth it is normal to be in a heightened emotional state.”

“Yes, there are times when you lose all self-confidence and feel that you are a terrible mother and a failure as a woman. But there are other times when you feel a luxurious contentment, like a cat who has been at the cream.”

Sheila Kitzinger is a social anthropologist and writes many wonderful words about women, babies, and birth.

While I love the words, Norah loves the pictures. After flipping through the pages on our drive to the coast, she drew some detailed pictures of perineal tears and episiotomies. Oh well. Maybe she has a future in medical illustrations?

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Why wasn’t I told?

Posted on August 25, 2010 by juliebyers

Why wasn’t I told that convincing a small human to eat requires enormous creativity?

I am a consummate constructor of food monsters. For some reason, known only to a toddler or preschooler, anything shaped into a monster may be eaten. Boiled egg? Boring! Egg monsters? Delicious.

(she ate most of the egg monsters before I could take a picture)

Foods named eggs and toast? Yesterday’s news. Foods named “eggs in a nest?” Something new!

Food presented on a plate? Blah…push it around with a fork. Food presented in an egg carton, altoid box, cupcake liner, cookie cutter, or any odd container? Gobble it up.

The egg carton is Norah’s favorite lunchbox.

Need some ideas for a picky little one? I take lots of ideas from bento box themes. Check out laptop lunch’s ideas. I also like their photo gallery.

Of course, for those truly artistic souls, aspire to true bento genius.

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Posted in Food, Parenting and tagged bento, laptop lunches, picky eaters, toddler food. Bookmark the permalink.

Tied up in knots

Posted on August 22, 2010 by juliebyers

I received this exact text from my husband today:

“hope your xlose…i am prisomer”

My reaction was poor. “WHAT?? I can’t leave the house for 2 measley hours to run errands without you needing me to come home and rescue you from your 4 yr old daughter?? Who rescues me when I’m home with both girls all day, every day! For the rest of my young life!”

Play the martyr often, do we?

Granted, I said all this in my head. Still…there it was.

When I got home, I was greeted at the door by my firstborn.

“Where is your father?”

Norah led me to her dark bedroom where I found my husband tied up with three ropes, his phone clutched in his hands. He couldn’t bring the phone above his waist because his hands were held fast by a rope looped about his feet. He also had a rope around his neck. I saw the red marks on his wrist where he tried to wiggle out. I wish I’d taken a picture.

Could he have gotten out? I honestly don’t know. He looked securely tied. These were sturdy ropes; the kind Scott uses to tie kayaks to cars.

Norah does love tying knots. She sometimes ties my skirts strings to the kitchen drawers when I’m cooking. I almost destroy myself, dinner, or a drawer when I turn to walk away. We are ever untying the most complex tiny knots from headphone cords, blanket tassels, silk streamers…

Should we be afraid? Or proud?

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The Gift of Training

Posted on June 23, 2010 by juliebyers

For our next study in The Ministry of Motherhood, we talked The Gift of Training. Spiritual training, that is. How to give this gift to our children.

How many baths will we give our kids before they learn to do it on his own? And even more importantly, how old will they be before they do it without being told? For that one example, there are hundreds more. People-raising is hard.

And there are so many areas to guide. We shape:

emotional health
physical fitness
nutrition
how to use words appropriately
spiritual core
intellect
creativity
developmental skills
moral compass
and so much more

It can be tough to keep it all in balance without going crazy in one area.

Our first story was about Jesus and his disciples. We have a model in training from him. He chose disciples to walk closely with him. Of course, the root word of discipline is disciple. Our ultimate goal in discipline should be to mold our children in values and character. Most of the time, Jesus’ disciples didn’t get it. You would think 1 miracle would be enough. But they continued to be clueless much of the time. How comforting. Do you think if we turned broccoli into macaroni, our kids would get it? Doubtful.

The author points out that after Jesus died, they go it. How comforting?

The key element in training is patience and repetition. We start over every day; sometimes every hour. We compared notes on phrases we say everyday. I say “give your sister some space,” “don’t interrupt,” and “be gentle” 5 million times a day.

Our second focus was on teaching our kids to think. My church did not teach me to think spiritually. It taught me what to do/not to do but it did not teach me to think and certainly not to question. Thankfully, my parents and a secular college did. At some point, our kids will ask the big questions and gray area questions. And we may not have the answers. But if we’ve taught the basics: God is good, he is truth, he is all-powerful, he is love, then they will find their way. We talked about many examples of moral or spiritual issues that we don’t have clear answers for? Our world is getting more complicated. Some ethical questions are really iffy. God can encompass all questions. And God is bigger than theology.

We talked about the instruction to take captive every thought. We brainstormed ideas for training kids to do this. Do you have any ideas?

Thirdly, we looked at teaching kids about prayer. Often I get in a “why bother” place about prayer. God already knows the problems and his will will be done. we discussed helping them memorize the Lord’s prayer. Make it a practice. Set a phone alarm. Help them understand that prayer is communication. About relationship. Not about a giant santa or amazon wishlist in the sky.

And we can be personal examples of praying aloud with or in front of our kids.

Finally, we talked about training our kids to face tribulation. Jesus said, “in this world you will have trouble” and it is often because of their faith and choices that our kids will be persecuted. That is hard for a mama. How do we teach our kids to turn the other cheek. We read 1 peter 2:19-21.

Our gentle discipline tools for the week were choices and timers.

Kids need power. We can help them have power by giving choices. “Do you want to walk to the car or walk?” “Do you want to wear blue shoes or purple?” “Do you want to pick up your toys now or when we get back from checking the mailbox?” Sure, it doesn’t solve every problem. But it can help avoid some of the minor pitfalls during the day.

Timers: it is tough to argue with time. It is easy to argue with mom. Let your oven timer or cell phone alarm be the bad guy. At the playground, my conversation usually goes like this, “Norah, we need to wrap it up. I’m setting my cell phone to tell us it is time to go in 5 minutes.” She’s familiar with the alarm ring. When she hears the ring, “uh-oh, time to go” I announce. Usually, she complies without argument. Timers are objective and consistent.

I’m looking forward to our last study coming up tomorrow!

The Gift of Faith

Posted on June 15, 2010 by juliebyers

If you’ve been following the study of The Ministry of Motherhood, the next lesson was giving children the gift of faith.

First we talked about cultivating a sense of eternity in our children. Within Christianity, there are different understandings of heaven and the nuts and bolts of eternity. Whatever our precise beliefs, the important thing is to understand it starts NOW. Songs like “I’ll fly away” can make us think the goal is heaven and this earth has no hope. But the Kingdom of God or Kingdom of Heaven begins when we embrace faith. Here. Now. We participate in spreading it here on earth. The kingdom is like a mustard seed. I learned in the book, Jesus for President, a story of mustard seeds. Mustard grows like kudzu. Jews who liked tidy gardens would not permit mustard to grow with their plants. It doesn’t grow very large but it grows fast and spreads. It infiltrates. This kingdom of God begins with frightening smallness and spreads like a weed.

One result from teaching on eternity is that it gives kids the gift of holding things loosely. This is such a challenging lesson. We all, children especially, want to hold things tightly. How can we teach them? We brainstormed ideas like using every moment of sacrifice (no matter how small) to demonstrate storing treasures in Heaven.

When our own things are broken or destroyed (which will always happen when kids are around), we can place love and security higher than the lost thing. What else?

Second, we talked about faith in God. The basic gift we all want to give to our children. Most importantly, we want to have children who really believe “God knows what he’s doing.” That there is something larger and more purposeful at work. We discussed times in our lives when we did not see the purpose until later. Hebrews 11:6 says without faith it is impossible to please God. Why?

So how to give this gift? Well, how does God give us faith? He allows us to face obstacles and challenges. And he proves faithful to us through these. As we see him meeting our needs and walking with us, we begin to trust more and more.

We show our children faith by example. Teaching faith takes time. We must be attached parents. We give them a secure foundation but we don’t rescue them from every problem. Instead, we pray with them, use stories of faith.

Ephesians 2:8 (for it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is a gift from God): What does faith have to do with salvation? How can we teach that God’s love is a free gift—no strings attached when so much in life is conditional?

Next we discussed faith in God’s word. Psalm 119:105 (your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path)…what gives guidance? We can make the Bible a natural part of family life. We listed ways we can incorporate the bible into our daily lives? Deut 6:6-7 (these commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down, and when you get up.) We also talked about appropriate story bibles for young children. I haven’t found one that I like yet–they seem to teach more about a conditional God. Some of the moms like one. I think they said it was this one.

Finally, we talked about faith in the Spirit. One of my favorite verses is “we have the mind of Christ.” When I’m struggling with indecision, I say this verse. Just as we talked last week about being connected to the source…we have access to divine, creative wisdom. I know the times I live in my own strength. I can say all day long that I will not lose it. But if I don’t plug into the source and use the tools the mind of Christ gives, then my resolve won’t last.

What are your warning signs when you are not connected to the source? What can help you regain your emotional balance?

We can’t be the spirit for our children. They have to connect on their own.

Our Grace-based discipline tool for the week was the five steps:

1) State your request and offer a reason.

2) Restate your request—get down on her level, touch, eye contact

3) Offer help—“I see you’re having a tough time. Can you _____ or do you need my help?

4) Help—You’re not _________ Let me help you. (help is just help. Not punishment or shaming or negative in anyway. Does not include a lecture).

5) Rarely needed—Bear Hug for the child who loses it (squat behind child, wrap arms, speak gently in her ear that you’re helping to stop her and you will let go when she can stop herself.)

Unschooling in Action

Posted on June 8, 2010 by juliebyers

I’m in the early, early stages of deciding our school path. I often battle with the voices in my head (“is it ok that she isn’t in preschool?” “shouldn’t I be doing more?”) and the real voices around me (“why isn’t she in preschool?”). Right now, we unschool. A simple, but loaded word, which means following the child’s desire to learn. I try to use everyday moments as teaching opportunities and if she displays some interest, we follow it. This has led to impromptu hula dance lessons on youtube, library searches for stories of female lighthouse keepers, and discussions about bullfrog ears.

I have long loved an Audre Lorde quote “The learning process can be incited. Literally incited–like a riot.”

For the last two days, she’s been working on something secret. She has asked me to spell some words for her. And she requested masking tape. Today, she asked me to read her a book. I almost fell over when the book she wanted me to read was her own! Here it is (inspired liberally by Olivia the pig):

Title Page (with author’s name prominently placed)