There is no such thing as a baby. There is a baby and a someone.
–Dr. Donald Winnicott
Category Archives: Parenting
Morning Glory
I’m so happy to announce an exciting new class beginning in February taught by Ashley–the same crafty mama I blogged about in December.
Morning Glory Parent-Tot Group
For children ages 1-3 1/2 with a parent, grandparent or caregiver.
A parent-tot group is a nurturing environment where adults attend with their child for play, mealtime and conversation with others on early childhood topics. The small group, limited to 7 families, fosters community and offers a space of support for families. We can further our bonds with our children while cultivating community with others. It is a time to retreat from the busyness of the world and focus our minds on ourselves, our children, and our small group in a warm, lovely environment.
Join us for 2 1/4 hours on Tuesday mornings in our “classroom” – a cozy little guest house on a gorgeous private property in North Greenville’s Green Valley subdivision. Together we will:
~ explore Nature’s beauty as we discover magic hidden around every turn on our group nature walk
~ engage in both outdoor and indoor play with toys made of natural materials
~ learn interactive games, songs, verses and rhymes that reflect the changing seasons; you can take these home and immediately bring into your family life
~ cook and share a nutritious group snack using whole grains, fruits and veggies (organic when available), and herbal teas – all snacks provided
~ work on an adult craft to share with your child (handmade toys are the best gift for a young one-when made by a loved one it’s even better!)
~ experience puppet shows with beautiful, lovingly created all natural puppets
~ spark conversations on parenting and early childhood topics
~ learn the importance of rhythm and purposeful work as a method of guidance, worthy of imitation by our young children
Adults are asked to actively participate in all aspects of the group to provide a healthy model for learning through imitation by the children. Adults will have opportunities to observe, as well as engage in, their child’s play while contemplating their developmental needs. Snack and craft time conversations will focus on early childhood topics previously decided upon by the group. Families have the opportunity to take home photocopies of related articles and all of the songs/rhymes/verses/games for further reading and reference.
The session includes:
Adult Orientation on Saturday, February 6th 9:30-11am
six group classes on Tuesday mornings beginning February 9th – March 23rd 9:15-11:30am
the possibility of one more adult only class later in the session
all snacks and craft materials
handouts for adult reference
Cost:
$125 for one adult with a child
Additional children/adults in the same family may attend. A discounted fee is offered.
Please contact Ashley for more information or to register at waldorfmama[at]gmail[dot]com.
Preschooler Theology
The Virgin Birth
Norah: Mary had baby Jesus in a birth tub with a sheep and a goat.
I’m wondering if she pictures the animals in the birth tub or acting as doulas nearby.
God’s Glory
Norah: Did it hurt when God hit Moses with a rock?
After much confusion, I realized she misheard that God hid Moses in the cleft of a rock
Creation
Norah: Did God create the world?
Me: Yep.
Norah: Then I’m the God for my dollhouse.
The Bible
Upon telling her “the Bible says so,”
Norah: Well my Bible doesn’t say that.
And those were just today’s conversations!
The Perils of Praise
Norah is driving me crazy. There. I said it. A recent phenomenon, 5 bazillion times a day, she says, “watch this, mommy.” I was changing Cedar’s diaper last night and she wanted me to “look at this” 7 times! And it was only to show me the many different ways she could carry a stuffed frog.
Exasperation. My child is becoming a praise junkie.
Then, inspiration. I created this issue. I’ve been trying to over-compensate (since I’m pretty involved with Cedar’s care just now) by over-praising her. And it is easier to praise her than to become involved in what she is doing by asking open-ended questions. Really, I’ve been patting her on the head and tossing her a scooby snack.
I used to be careful about praise. I tried to avoid “good job” which isn’t a description anyway; it is a judgement according to Alfie Kohn. If Norah drew a picture of an apple, instead of saying “oh that is amazing,” I would try to remember to ask a thoughtful question like “is it a red apple or a green apple?” There is plenty of research that shows the more a student is praised, the more tentative and less creative he or she becomes.
Don’t get me wrong–I think Norah is quite an impressive child. And I feel that praise has a place for sure. But I want to be careful of three things:
1) Creating a condition. I don’t want her to feel she must perform to get my love and attention.
2) Using praise as a bribe. “I like the way you put away your toys before dinner.” Kids are smart and will eventually catch on to that carrot anyway.
3) Praising too much and/or for trivial things. Lately I sound like a cheerleader: “Awesome, you brushed your teeth. High five! You’re so cool.”
And the result of this last one? “Mom, watch this!”
I know, I know. There are worse things I could do. And I know it is age-appropriate for her to be a bit of a showboat. However, I also know I’ve become her supplier.
So my goal this week is to go easy on the positive reinforcement. I’ll leave that for the grandparents. And it probably wouldn’t hurt to do my yearly read of Unconditional Parenting.
Happy 12 Weeks (or, moving out of the 4th trimester)
Cedar is 12 weeks old today! She is spending more time chilling and observing. She is trying desperately to find her thumb. And while she isn’t adept at grabbing with her hands, she can easily grab a toy with her long toes! 12 weeks marks the end of the 4th trimester.
Dr. Harvey Karp popularized the notion that human babies need a 4th trimester. Unlike other mammals, because of human brain size, our babies are born decidedly immature. Human babies are completely helpless–even needing assistance to burp. After studying other cultures in which babies are calmed in less than a minute (16 seconds is the average time it takes an !Kung parent to stop a baby from crying), Karp decided there must exist a baby calming reflex.
It makes sense. A baby’s cry is LOUD. It would seem logical that parents should have a mechanism to quiet them in necessary situations. Karp developed the 5 S’s: swaddling, shushing, side-lying (or stomach), swinging, and sucking. I do know these “S’s.” As a doula, I’ve taught several new parents these techniques. They mimic the way babies were calmed in utero.
In desperation, I re-read Karp’s book The Happiest Baby on the Block. Front to back. And my conclusion:
Karp says that !Kung people wear their babies all day and that is part of the reason they are so calm. And he also says that if these techniques don’t work, parents are either not doing them correctly or not giving them enough time to work.
I challenge Harvey Karp or any !Kung mama to come try to calm my baby. I’d very much like to see it. Because the 5 S’s didn’t do it this time. Only a vertical chest-to-chest wrap hold with vigorous bouncing seems to trigger Cedar’s calming reflex.
Meanwhile, I’m quite excited to see what awaits us in the weeks to come!
Note: I LOVE Harvey. Really, I do. His Happiest Toddler on the Block DVD taught me some incredible techniques that really worked for Norah when she was in the 12month-20 month range. And I’ve used the 5 S’s with other babies quite successfully. I don’t mean to pick on his work. He has done much to help parents understand their little ones and treat them with love and respect.
High Needs
You may have picked up from some of my posts that parenting Cedar has kicked my butt. If Norah was high needs then Cedar is “higher needs.” How did I manage to have two of these wee blessings? I’m starting to wonder if I create these babies somehow through my parenting. My friends keep telling me that the third baby is always mellow. Well, no thanks. I think I’ll stick with two.
Dr. Sears describes 12 characteristics of the high needs baby:
- Intense: these babies do not clear their throat. They bellow. A few times I’ve worried that Cedar might have damaged my eardrum with her screams.
- Hyperactive: when she is awake her breathing is rapid and she seems almost nervous. Her legs and arms are moving and her eyes are wide. Think baby on caffeine.
- Draining: check
- Feeds frequently: Cedar only nurses for comfort at night. So we don’t have this one so much. She is all business when it comes to feeding during the day.
- Demanding: When she needs me, there is little warning or warm-up. There is an urgency to high needs babies. Of course, no baby should be ignored but I cannot imagine how one would ignore a high needs one.
- Awakens frequently: This one is true; however, because we co-sleep, I’m skin-to-skin with her and she does not cry at night. She settles quickly. We manage this one quite well.
- Unsatisfied: I spent the first month utterly baffled by her cries. She was fed, dry, rested. I didn’t realize she was particular about how things need to go.
- Unpredictable: Yesterday she slept for 2 hours in the swing I borrowed from a friend. Woo-hoo! Has it happened again? Nope. So far, there has been only one tried and true soother and that is the wrap. Well, and the bathtub but we can’t spend the whole day there. And while I can’t imagine life without the wrap, it does limit what I can get accomplished. My back is killing me by the end of the day. Right now, I’m sitting on a birth ball bouncing while she sleeps snuggled to me.
- Super-Sensitive: “acute awareness of environment” and “like walking on eggshells.” Yep.
- “Can’t Put Baby Down:” I think I’ve mentioned that a time or two.
- Not a Self-Soother: No way, no how. If that were the case, she would not scream the ENTIRE trip to the grocery store. I’ve become almost a hermit because I hate the carseat crying. If “cry-it-out” worked on high needs babies, she would have stopped crying in the carseat by now.
- Separation Sensitive: This one is absolutely the most difficult. Except for small 5 minute increments, she rarely permits anyone else to hold her. Even Scott has to be careful about how he looks at her because of that pesky super-sensitive trait. It is killing Scott because he isn’t able to soothe her or even bond with her much. Remember he was a stay-at-home daddy with Norah at this age.
I don’t want to sound negative. And I don’t want to dramatize my experience. Maybe if I parented differently, I would have a different baby. I don’t know. I’m fortunate that I am able to stay home with her and that my wonderful husband, family, and friends have helped so much with Norah. And since Scott was himself a stay-at-home dad with Norah, he understands when we have a messy house or the same easy dinner over and over again.
I hope that the highest needs of this high need wee one has peaked in the so-called fourth trimester. She will be 12 weeks on Sunday. Will we turn a corner? Of course we will. Of course. Right? More on my thoughts on the fourth trimester later.
Last Blessingway of the Year
Please come out this Saturday (Oct. 24) at 2pm for our final Blessingway of the year. We meet in the community room at Earth Fare on Pelham Rd at 2pm. This month, our guest is Marian Jones, who will demonstrate Oriental infant massage. We will feature two positive birth stories: Ellen’s homebirth and Ruthie’s Greer Memorial birth. Blessingways are a great place to meet other “birthy folk.” We love to have a balance of veteran parents and new parents-to-be.
The event is free and open to the public. Children are always welcome! We are an informal bunch. Blessingways are not “sponsored” by anyone. Carey and I offer them as a way to promote normal birth and mindful information.
Different as night and day
Night: Cedar is a dream when it comes to nighttime parenting. She nurses to sleep around 10pm. Then she wakes at 3am and nurses lying beside me. She wakes again at 6am for more food. And I believe her deepest sleep happens between 6:30am and 9:30am. She does not have crying fits at night. She only grumbles a bit for food when she wakes.
Day: There are Crying Fits. She will not nap lying down. So I wear her in the wrap which wears me out! My body hurts after wearing a baby for most of the day. I’ve tried to stealthily lie down and carefully untie the wrap in bed. She wakes in a Crying Fit. Our day goes like this:
Eat
10 minutes of smiley time in the bouncy seat
Crying Fit
Wrap while walking/bouncing for 15 minutes
Sleep in wrap for 2-3 hours
10 minutes of smiley time
Diaper change
Crying Fit
Eat
Repeat.
The WORST part is that she hates the carseat. So I don’t want to go anywhere because my sweet baby will be screaming in the backseat. And no, she will not take a paci. So far. We’re 30 minutes from everywhere. Any tips for carseat peace? I’ve tried white noise and rolling the windows down and different music styles. I even tried Rush Limbaugh. But then I was screaming.
I look forward to nights.
7 weeks
When Norah was 7 weeks old, I returned full time to work.
Whoa.
How??
My brain did snap a little bit when I returned to work. Ok, it snapped alot. If I turn inward and dig a little, I can still feel that sadness. The awful sadness of leaving her. And I was blessed to be able to leave her with Scott who was a wonderful stay-at-home daddy. And I had an incredible co-worker who kept me afloat when I had to cry. Thanks Laura! But it was still heart-wrenching.
I cannot imagine going back to work right now. First, Cedar has not been separated from me for more than an hour. Second, she is not easy to soothe. She screams when put down. She prefers to be worn or nursed and that is about it.
So I’m incredibly thankful to be able to take her with me to teach Hypnobabies. And I’m thankful to be able to take a break from doula work for a while.
Speaking of doula work, I am booking clients for 2010. Please contact me if you are interested. I’m limiting my client volume and the calendar is already filling up.
Random Cedar fact: She almost always has a cow-lick. Methinks she has crazy hair!
I want my village
I had a sneaking suspicion. Now I know for certain:
WE ARE NOT WIRED TO BE ALONE WITH CHILDREN ALL DAY LONG.
Or even half of the day. A two hour playdate doesn’t cut it for adult support, encouragement, and relief. A one hour phone conversation with a friend isn’t enough.
I want my village. I want my women who go to the well with me every morning. The isolated nuclear family is a failed experiment. I want a shared community. Not a virtual community–though I would waste away without this online connection.
I want geographic proximity.
On my street, there are eight houses. Of the people who are home during the day, I can choose from: the old man who smokes while pulling his oxygen tank, the 98 year old woman, the Alzheimer woman who never leaves her house and once accused the neighbors of stealing her underwear, the third shift police officer, and the people who shoot guns at fake deer targets in the backyard.
Where are the mamas?
See, I have a 3 year old with unbelievable energy. I read somewhere that age 3 is the biological peak for energy levels. And then I have a 6 week old who cries when I put her down. So I wear her and sleep beside her and nurse her. And I love it. I do. It is amazing to care for this little one. But I could use some relief arms occasionally. My back could use some relief arms!
Who wants to start an intentional community? It might be a yurt community since houses aren’t selling and money is tight. I could live in a yurt.
As long as I have a village.
Inexplicable Ways 