Category Archives: Parenting

Positive Discipline Classes Scheduled

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Positive discipline has been a huge resource for my family.  And one of my favorite resources in the upstate is PD Educator, Kelly Pfeiffer.  Kelly teaches classes to families for a ridiculously low price through PRIDE.  Childcare is even available!  All classes last for 4 weeks and meet for 2 hours each week.  They meet at Brookwood Church in Simpsonville.  However, the classes are not affiliated with Brookwood and do not have a religious component.  Here is the fall line-up:

Teaching Your Children to “Fish” – Essential Life Skills for Teaching Independence
Tuesdays, September 1 – September 22, 6:30 – 8:30 pm

Click here to register for this class.

 Preparing children for real life means teaching them how to do laundry, cook, clean, maintain a car and more. Children who feel capable and genuinely needed misbehave less than children who are pampered. This active learning workshop explores the Significant Seven Perceptions and Skills that promote self-reliance in children and teens, teaches family tools for assigning age appropriate chores and helps parents practice follow-through techniques. Two class hours per week. Materials fee of $10.00 required (per family).
 
Don’t Flip Your Lid – Conflict Resolution for Families
Tuesdays, September 29 – October 20, 6:30 – 8:30 pm
Click here to register for this class.
Holding on to your thinking cap isn’t always easy when parenting. In this interactive class, learn about the brain’s emotional hard wiring so you can decrease personal stress overloads. Equip the whole family with de-escalation tools that push the reset button and teach healthy communication habits and self- calming skills. Two class hours per week.  Materials fee of $10.00 required.
Offered by PRIDE Parenting a service of Greenville Hospital System
 
Misbehavior Detectives – Understanding Beliefs Behind Your Child’s Misbehavior
Tuesdays, October 27 – November 17, 6:30 – 8:30 pm
Click here to register for this class.
Use your emotions as clues to reveal the main reasons for most misbehavior. This problem solving workshop will help parents take a closer look at misbehavior to develop new long term strategies for teaching children problem solving skills, responsibility and recovery skills. Two class hours per week.  Materials fee of $10.00 required.
Offered by PRIDE Parenting a service of Greenville Hospital System

If you have questions about the classes, please contact the PRIDE office by calling (864) 454-2102.

 

“I Didn’t Do It.”

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“Watch this” is the most frequently heard phrase from our toddler. 

“I didn’t do it” is becoming a close second.  Often when I walk into a room, the first thing I hear is “Mama, I didn’t do it.”  Of course, my first reaction is “Well, who did it?”  And it is always either Jude (our dog) or one of her imaginary friends. 

Norah has several imaginary friends:  Toe-Stomper, Sally, Desa, Veda, Aida, and Erma.  Oh, and a little girl named Norah–she lives in mirrors. 

Norah describes Toe-Stomper as a little boy who wears goggles.  This week Toe-Stomper broke a lamp, spilled a glass of water, and ripped mommy’s contact lens in half.  It was my last contact lens.    

I asked my sister (a counselor who works with children) how to handle this and she said to address the clean-up/consequences to Norah since these are her friends.  She suggested that I not challenge the reality of these friends.  The culprit usually leaves by the time the deed is discovered.  And Norah is left to face the music.  I’ve told her that she is in charge of her friends when they are in this house.  If they are about to do something that is not permitted (ahem, like open mommy’s contact lens case), then she must tell them “no.” 

I had an imaginary friend named Sheshach.  He disappeared not long after my sister was born.  I guess it is pretty normal for a first-born?  And harmless?       

Still.  I was pretty bummed about my contact lens.

Yes-children

“We make fun of what used to be called ‘yes-men’ at the office, those deferential employees who never disagree with the boss, so what makes us think that ‘yes-children’ would be ideal?”  —Alfie Kohn Unconditional Parenting

It is my annual re-reading of my parenting manifesto.  I’ve been thinking about my long-term goals for Norah.  What characteristics are most important to shape?  And are my day-to-day actions mirroring these long-term goals?  Or am I simply trying to get by and create a child most convenient for the moment? 

My long-term goal is not obedience.  Nope.  Not at all.  I want an independent thinker.  One day, she’s going to be a teenager (excuse me while I scream!) and she’ll have all sorts of authoritative voices around her.  I certainly don’t want her obeying her creepy karate instructor when he asks her to stay after class and I definitely don’t want her obeying her peers when they ask her to try some new chemical candy.  I don’t want her to absorb everything her college professors tell her.  I want to teach my child to discern, to question, to weigh, and to decide for herself.  Ultimately, I pray she makes good decisions but it is important to me that she understands why she is making them.  And that is something I cannot force. 

So what does that look like in the day-to-day raising of an almost three year old?  Wooo.  Tricky.  And frustrating.  And time-consuming.  And hard.  And rewarding. 

And the icing on the cake–most of the research (both recent and dating all the way back to the 1950’s) shows me that the happy side-effect of this type of parenting is obedience.  By not punishing, rewarding, or controlling, I get a child who both thinks for herself and is more likely to obey me.  Score!

Witnessed at the Grocery Store

Why do you see the worst parenting at the grocery store? 

Like today.  Some negligent mom was loading up on one of her favorite flours which happens to be on sale this week.  I mean, I guess it was her favorite flour.  Anyway, so her kid (who looked to be a month shy of 3 yrs old) climbs under the cart on her hands and knees.  Again, this mom is just ho-humming it across the aisle–totally oblivious.  And her kid’s knees slip through the grate on the bottom of the cart.  You guessed it.  Kid is stuck.

Small towns love this kind of drama.  The crowd that gathered was quick to offer all sorts of helpful solutions.  One even suggested calling the fire department.  Strangely not a single grocery store employee offered to help.

I have to say, that kid was really cute.  She was saying, “I don’t need help, anybody.  It’s not very comfy.  But don’t touch me.”  

This mom clearly doesn’t deserve such a brilliant and calm kid.  I guess maybe 20 minutes passed before the tot was finally free.  She only yelled when anyone touched her.  Independent little thing was determined to “do it by myself.” 

Sheesh.  I hope that mom learned a lesson.  I would be mortified if that happened to me.  

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Supermom.

Yeah right.

BUT…I did accidentally find a parenting tool that works on my soon-to-be three year old. 

Norah doesn’t tantrum often.  When she does–look out!  A few months back, when she was stomping her feet and crying hysterically, I couldn’t keep myself from giggling.  I know, awful of me.  The unexpected result:  Norah started giggling.  Huh.

So far, it has worked 98% of the time.  It is hard for me to muster a guffaw when my cortisol levels are rising from the horrible sounds emerging from my child.  But I call upon the skills learned in David Dolge’s sophomore drama class and voila:  we’re soon all giggling and snorting. 

I was especially excited when it worked in front of my sister.  I totally looked like supermom, I’m certain.

I wonder how long this tool will work.  One thing that become obvious early on in this parenting gig:  what works today will not work tomorrow.  Keeps us on our toes, yes?

Want to know more about crazy tools like giggling when your child is tantruming?  Check out Lawrence Cohen’s book Playful Parenting or take a look at this article or this one.  Meanwhile, is tantruming a word?  Spell check doesn’t thing so.

Pregnancy, Power, and Parenting

I spoke yesterday at an Attachment Parenting Forum.  The topic was how choices in childbirth were related to the first AP Principle:  preparing for pregnancy, birth, and parenting.  I joined a forum with a midwife and two childbirth educators

In my classic style, I did not prepare at all.  I had no idea what I was going to say.  So I was pleasantly surprised when coherent words came out of my mouth.  And I was even happier that when I finished speaking, I agreed with what I had said.  Sounds schizophrenic, yes?  Welcome to my public speaking technique.    

I said that one of my primary roles as a doula is to guard power.  I don’t care what kind of birth my clients choose or end up having; my concern is that they retain their power throughout.  They are not bullied or undermined.  They have informed consent.  They understand and claim responsibility for their birth.  The power of pregnancy and birth springboard us into confident parenting.  When our friends and family question our AP methods or on a sleepless night 5 months postpartum, we question ourselves, we can draw on the strength and trust learned through birth. 

Parenting is not rocket science.  It is much harder.  It calls for something more than mere instruction manuals.  It demands an inner strength beyond anything else.  Those 9 months of pregnancy and however many hours of labor and birth can lay a firm foundation for our parenting; particularly when our choices are questioned at every turn.

In a small voice whispering “circumcision”

I’ve been quiet about this topic because parents have such strong feelings on both sides.  My intent in this post is to encourage you to think about the procedure and the statistics worldwide.  Why did this procedure become so routine in the US?    

When I was pregnant, I honestly didn’t think twice about circumcision until my childbirth instructor assigned one couple (Emily and Matt, I think) to research and present on it.  We had only one friend with an intact son but they were granola so we figured it was a hippie thing.  I assumed that if we had a boy, we would circumcise.  Then I learned about the procedure and I was surprised to learn that the American Academy of Pediatrics does not recommend circumcision.  I widened my view and learned that in other parts of the world, babies are not routinely circumcised for non-religious, medically unnecessary reasons.  In fact, the rates are less than 1% in New Zealand, 2.1% in England, and 9% in Canada.  In non-English speaking countries, the rate for non-religious, medically unnecessary circumcision is close to zero.  Even in the US, it isn’t as common as one might think with roughly half newborn boys being circumcized.  As more insurance companies refuse to cover the procedure (after all, it isn’t medically necessary), the numbers will continue to decline. 

Circumcision does carry risk.  The risks include pain, hemorrhage, infection, surgical mistakes, interference with breastfeeding and sleep, skin tags, scarring, damage to the urethra, and in some cases, death.  Excessive bleeding seems to be the most common complication I have encountered.  There is a new scary risk:  MRSA, an antibiotic resistant staph infection frequently spread in hospitals.  One of my client’s newborn contracted MRSA in his umbilical cord stump.  It was very serious.  Her pediatrician praised her for not circumcising as that would have been an easy opening for further spread of the superbug.

And, of course, for all circumcized infants, there is a guaranteed loss of penile sensitivity.      

Want to learn more?  Check out the studies and information available here and here.  If you would like to see what happens during a circumcision, click on the American Academy of Family Physician site to view drawings (not graphic pictures) of the currently preferred method–the Gomco clamp.  Scroll midway down the page to see the procedure.    

Again, my intent is not to pass judgement.  We are all learning together and I have been on both sides of the fence in this debate.  I do not try to talk my clients and friends out of circumcision.  But for those who have not given the subject much thought, I am providing a starting place to begin considering medical and ethical views beyond the cultural perspectives.

Meet Kelly

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If you’ve been around my blog much, you know I try to practice positive discipline.  It has been difficult finding mommy mentors.  I began with online friends and now I’m steadily building my real life community of families who practice pd. 

Then I discovered Kelly!  Turns out Kelly has been doing this positive discipline thing for years (her kiddos are teens now) and she even teaches pd…in Upstate SC!  So I roped her into meeting me one day.  I had planned our meeting on a morning I wouldn’t have Norah with me; I didn’t want to, um, mess up.  And of course…that backfired and I found myself with Norah in tow.  I remember Norah was carrying some star stickers and one of the first things I blurted to Kelly:  “The stars are not for a reward chart.”  But I needn’t have worried!  Kelly was so inviting, complimentary, and well, positive! 

Go check out her blog and her website.  Take one of her classes.  The ones I saw posted were only 10.00/person!  For those of you waiting for the rumored Positive Discipline group to form, Kelly has promised to be available to hold our hands.

Green our Vaccines

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You may have noticed I have never posted on vaccines.  I do have a vaccine page planned but it will not include advice or my two-cents.  The decision to vax, not-vax, selectively vax is a choice each parent must grapple with.  There is plenty of info out there but I won’t tell another parent what to do in the area of vaccines.     

Still, I wanted to share these pics from the recent “Green Our Vaccines” rally hosted by Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey.  Regardless of which study you read on risks, there is no one who will say vaccines are without risk.  These pics show some of that story.    

Following Huck

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Before Norah was born, we painted the words “Follow Huck” on the walls of her nursery.  I’m a fan of Huck Finn (though not so fond of Tom Sawyer).  He had an honest soul and a seeker heart.  He searched for truth even when “sivilized” society taught a different morality.  I’m not sure what deep rivers Norah will cross but I pray Grace will be her raft.   

Ok, and maybe I hope she’ll keep holding our hands…